My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
