I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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