As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
