i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
