come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
