I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
