Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
