Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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