somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
