Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
