I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
