Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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