I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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