Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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