She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
