after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
