I wish I could teleport
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
