well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
