im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
