How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
