The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
