My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
