then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
