Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Boobs are out for the taking
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
