I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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