Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize