I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
