it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize