I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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