How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
