I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
