So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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