A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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