you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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