You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
