Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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