I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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