I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
