The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
