he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
