Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
