i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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