is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There r osticjed everywhere
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
