I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
