On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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