just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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