no, he came in my armpit
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
