Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
