And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
