Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
pop tarts are not kleenex
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
