I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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