I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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