you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So many bounce houses so little time
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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