I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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