god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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