made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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