I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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