So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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