I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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