I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
