I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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